Some advice on International Relationships

Originally Published: June 18, 2021 on Relationship Matters by Susan Rex

(https://relationtippmatters.wordpress.com/2021/06/18/some-advice-on-international-relationship/)

Guest post by; Trystn Waller on what you need to know about international relationship

With so much connectivity today, many people will explore a variety of relationships. One side of this that’s been made easier by way of the internet is international couples. Some of you may have thought about, once tried, or even are now in an international relationship. And well, that makes two of us. With all the concern about how different they are, how might these kinds of relationships be like any other? What makes them more difficult, and what good comes from them? Here is a bit about these kinds of relationships, along with some advice from someone who’s in one.

Read similar posts:

• on the Blog
• Dating Internationally Interview

Like any other relationship;

The first thing I can tell you about an international relationship is kind of obvious, but it’s important to remember. Just like with any other relationship, it requires two people (or sometimes more) who decide to be together regardless of whatever else is happening in their lives.

With that said, you can bet it’s going to require sacrifice, selflessness, some forgive-and-forget, and some good old give-and-take. Like in “national” relationships (?), involvement with the partner’s family is likely going to be a part of the deal. Another trope that’s common in most relationships is having to accept the partner’s past and “baggage,” whether that is perceived as good or bad. Understanding and comprehension go a long way.

Difficulties: The hard part;

When talking about international relationships, the most difficult thing that comes to mind has to be the distance. An overlying question, at least during the beginning stages, will be how to make time to be together. Depending on where the partner lives or on your situation, this could be a heavy financial weight on the couple.

Many countries require visas for citizens to get to their country or vice versa. Even if they don’t, passports cost money too. Some countries don’t require a passport for entry depending on where you’re coming from, but then the plane/bus/train/boat/border coyote will cost you. No matter how you look at it, just getting to your international partner will be a struggle.

Because of this, much of the communication will likely be on the internet at first. Couples might go months, if not years, just talking on the phone or by video until they can finally meet. This could mean the slightest delay in response causing you or your partner to suspect the worse.

“Why aren’t they answering? They should be at home by now. Are they cheating on me? Did they die?!”

That’s not to mention the cultural differences. Often different people groups within a country have clashing cultural traditions, so you can imagine what that looks like for international couples. And if the foreign partner happens to speak a different language then that adds another barrier and a tremendous challenge to be overcome. That is, assuming neither of the partners is bilingual.

Benefit: The good part;

That’s a pretty long list of challenges, but there is a lot to look forward to with international love. Since these kinds of couples tend to have to communicate so much more, this builds stronger communication skills. It also has the potential to create a stronger bond between the partners. Imagine if the only way you could spend time with your partner was by talking. You won’t be sitting and watching Netflix all day, that’s for sure.

That’s the kind of thing that builds trust and unity in any relationship, though it’s exploited a little more with the online nature of international couples. This kind of commitment also opens the partners up to another culture, a foreign language (or accent), and different ways of life. This can be highly enriching for the partners in that they can gain an entirely new perspective, later allowing them to consider things they never would have thought of before.

One can also feel the triumph of making it work after all the ostensible barriers get knocked down and you finally make it together. Approximating with another culture and a different lifestyle, you have the potential to gain some true sympathy for what others (especially immigrants) have to go through.

Of course, if you’re the one that will be going off to see the partner, one benefit is travel. Go and see the world, explore the country the partner lives in. It’s a chance to see another part of this wonderful planet!

Some advice: Listen if you want;

From personal experience in an international relationship, I’d say communication is number one. The key is finding, no, making time to talk with your partner. That has to be a priority because it’s the only time you have with them. Even when the couple is together, the language/cultural barrier may make things tougher than usual on one of the partners, so communication is doubly essential here.

With that said, partners should prioritize together time all the time, but especially while far apart. Whether on the phone or laptop, I and my wife always celebrated Valentine’s Day, birthdays, holidays, and whatever else together. That’s how you make it feel like you’re together.

Because the partners are so far apart, jealousy and insecurity about what’s happening on the other end could be a problem. I’d say be understanding of this and know that it’s a part of the journey. As the couple continues to grow together, they’ll trust each other more and more. It takes a constant reassurance of your presence and your commitment. “I’m here. I love you. I’m with you. I’m yours.” I know it’s a little old-fashioned, but get romantic, y’all. You just have to prove you can be trusted. Can you?

Lastly, if one of the partners speaks another language, I’d say learn that language. It doesn’t have to be too fluency, but at least well enough to communicate. This sounds like a given, but I’ve been watching 90 Day Fiancé. I’ve seen those people that just rely on Google Translate to talk to their partner. Shame on you.

But really, it goes back to respect and communicating, and you kind of need to know how to speak to do that. I mean, non-verbal signs only go so far. Beyond speaking or hearing, the ability to respect another’s culture is key too. One doesn’t have to adopt the culture of their partner completely, but having a sense of understanding and respect, being willing to hear what their culture is all about is super important. After all, showing respect earns respect, am I right?

Conclusions;

I hope this little list of pros and cons helped those of you in or considering international relationships. Or maybe you’re just curious. Either way, this is in no way to discourage or encourage anyone to love someone from another country. There are obvious and more discreet challenges, but all in all, it’s a relationship that requires the same building blocks as any other. What do you think? Would you be willing to try this kind of relationship? Or did I steer you away? Happy reading, and love one another!

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**Thanks again Susan for the opportunity to host this article originally on your website! I look forward to more colabs in the future. Keep on teaching them about healthy relationships! -CultSurf

Dating Internationally – Interview from Relationship Matters

By Susan Rex, posted originally on Relationship Matters

Welcome to an extra feature on Relationship Matters. it’s a chance for readers ( those who are married, in a relationship or single) to get to know and learn from other couples experience.

It’s a pleasure to introduce Mr Trystn Waller to you. most of us could probably benefit from a lesson or two from him. I hope you take some time to check out his website http://atomic-temporary-182764846.wpcomstaging.com

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Can you please introduce yourself ;

Hello! So my name is Trystn, from Los Angeles, California. I have lived there most of my life although I’ve been to many places in my state and the U.S. I am currently married and work online as an English tutor and create content for my website. Otherwise, I do multiple other freelance jobs when I get the chance.

How did you meet your partner? what attracted you to her.

I met my wife online actually! Sandra is from Brazil, and we met on a website for language exchange. I was learning Portuguese and she was learning English. We spent several months communicating by messages and video before I decided to go visit her. After that, you could say we solidified our relationship and made it official. Besides being beautiful and funny, I was attracted to her willingness to listen to me. Being long-distance, we had to depend on our communication, and this made us feel super close. Sandra is also very family-oriented and cares a lot about others, and this made me feel great respect for her.

How long did you date? what was your typical dating like.

Since much of the beginning of our relationship was online, we didn’t have the usual dating period. We would spend time chatting online for hours a day for about 10 months until I made it to Brazil. When we were together, Sandra would take me to touristic places in her city, Sao Paulo, or we would visit different family members. We also had more alone time during those days so we got close really quickly. We “dated” for about a year before deciding to get engaged, but we didn’t get married for about 2 years after that. We’ve spent a lot more time together since then.

Can you recall the most romantic/best moment with your partner? How was the feeling like(are you smiling recalling that moment).

The most romantic moments we had I think were just laying together, talking or not saying a word, and stroking each other. Just that physical connection and appreciation for the presence of someone you love was special to me. I think also when we would kiss in public like in the park, it was an exhilarating feeling and very romantic. We’ve had lots of cool moments like that, so I can’t pinpoint a single one, but I do smile when I think of those moments.

When was the last time you said “I love you” to your partner?

I got into the habit of saying “I love you” to her a lot when we were dating. After getting married I haven’t felt the need to say it as much, and there’s a reason behind this. Sandra is not a very verbally expressive person when it comes to love, but she shows it a lot in her actions. I realized this and have been trying to show her more love with my actions as opposed to words. Of course, it doesn’t hurt to say it and I should tell her more often. I say “I love you” every few days or so, sometimes randomly and sometimes intently. As of now, it’s been about two days.

Have you ever change anything about your partner?

She is also very resistant to change, so I haven’t been able to! Jokes aside, I think at the beginning I wanted her to be more assertive and take more control with her plans. After those beginning months, I did start to notice more and more things I wanted to change in her, but over time I realized it’s not worth it. I have to love her for who she is, and I think I was creating this false image of who I wanted her to be. Once I realized accepted who she truly was, I stopped wanting her to change.

Have you tried to stop your partner not to do a particular thing just because you feel jealous or angry?

There was one significant time when I did this. One year I was in Sao Paulo for Carnaval and we decided to go Downtown to sell beers and Coke. So we bought a ton of cans and got a Styrofoam cooler and went out to sell. When we got there we saw lots of people dancing and having fun, and so we decided to join in. I noticed we hadn’t sold anything after a while, and I started getting irritated. Besides being butt-hurt that nobody wanted our drinks, I also was insecure about my dancing at the time. So I said something that wasn’t so nice and got irritated with Sandra. This day was particularly hard for me and it caused me to work hard on changing my mindset. Luckily I can say I’m much more relaxed these days than I was at the start.

Will you say “I’m sorry” to your partner even though it’s not your fault?

Well… I have a hard time owning up to when I’m wrong. I hate being wrong, haha. But I say sorry when I am. If I’m not wrong, I have an even harder time! But there are times that I can recognize, “You know what? You need to just let bygones be bygones and brush this under the rug.” I did have to do this quite a bit when we were dating on the phone because Sandra would get upset for stuff that I thought was normal, but because we hadn’t established trust and a connection yet, I had to just say sorry so we could move past it. Now on a rare occasion, I do say sorry even if I know I’m not wrong. But the best remedy I found for this is not doing things that I’ll have to say sorry for.

Is it really necessary to know everything from your partner’s previous Relationship?

At first, I did want to know a lot about her previous relationships. It was a painful curiosity, especially knowing and that I was highly insecure at the time. Now I don’t care and she can talk about it as much or as little as she wants. I think with trust you don’t need to know all of that information. Give me the highlights, as long as there’s not a dark past there, I’m cool on your exes.

If you could choose your partner again, would you choose same person?

This is an interesting question. I think everything we do in life is for a purpose and I know being with my wife now is the right decision. She’s made my life better since the day we met and I’d be different, like 100% different if we hadn’t have met, trust me. I think my mistake was that I jumped into the relationship very fast because I was insecure at the time. If I could do it again, I would wait to have more self-confidence, be more mature, and have more realistic expectations. Sandra is more than what I ever asked for or imagined, but I created this false sense of who I wanted her to be and who I was. Now I’m much more realistic, and much happier because of it. It took some time though, and I’m continuing to grow.

What your advice for those who are still searching for their other perfect half?

If you’re still looking for your perfect match, I would say … stop it! Haha, really. I feel like these things work better when we’re not looking. When we look for love, I feel like we start to get desperate or we get super demanding. Don’t worry if the person checks out all your requirements or if they seem like the opposite of what you wanted. Follow the feeling you get when you’re with them. Be realistic. Know who you are and what you like.

You’ve got to know that no one is perfect and any person you get with no matter the appearance will have flaws and will piss you off sometimes, and that’s okay. Know that this is normal. Look for someone who challenges you and respects you, someone you can be your complete self with without hiding anything. And please, be open and honest. There’s nothing worse than lying about who you are only for it to blow up in your partner’s face years down the line, and vice versa. Enjoy life and enjoy being with people, and at one point you will bump into your other half.

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Email me at; relationtipps@gmail.com or relationships_rm@yahoo.com ( Collab post, guest post, interview welcome)

Tookoff – Visual Poem

He asked for too much. He loved too hard. His love went away. But in a weird way, she stays

…

Watch the visual poem below.

Also: watch on my YouTube to support!

Watch more: Videos

Read the poem: Inkspired

**Thanks for watching, wonderful creative people!

Are there many interracial couples in America?

Looking at the complex racial history of the United States, one might be set to think that the nation’s many “races” and ethnic groups don’t mix well. If you’ve seen shows like 90 Day Fiancé (or Keeping Up With the Kardashians, really) then you have some notion about this. Here, I want to look at how people mix on more than just a superficial level. What’s the chemistry like for different races in America? How much mixing do these different groups actually do? In many countries (definitely not all) interracial couples are pretty common, or at least aren’t seen as particularly strange. In the U.S., well, it’s a funny story.

Some Inter-Racial History

Slaves waiting for sale – By Eyre Crowe

So yes, interracial couples do exist in the U.S.A. A lot, actually. But, racial mixing in relationships is still taboo in many parts. Why is that? I mean, it’s 2021! There are some good reasons behind this. Historically, mixed-race couples have been highly criticized within the U.S., especially between black and white people. In many ways, this combination is still the most controversial in the States, even though for black men the most common interracial combo is he, black and she, white. Still, what’s all that prejudice about?

Mixed-race slave girls – By M.H. Kimball

You might know (or be able to guess) that this stems from times of slavery. Many black women were raped by their white master or his family members, forcing them to have mulatto children. Instead of being given more rights like in some other European colonies, the mulattos were still considered slaves. More often than not, they were treated with the same cruelty too. This is part of why mixed people or “light-skinned-ed” black people are often considered black in the first place. But that’s a different post.

Anyway, due to this complicated history of racial division and mistrust, the family of either partner in a couple may feel discomfort with the relationship. It’s not just between blacks and whites, given the historic tensions:

• Latinos/Hispanics – mostly for immigration and cultural differences
• Asians (especially Japanese, Koreans, and Vietnamese) – because of several American wars in the region, Japanese attacks during WW2, cultural prejudice
• Arabs/Muslims – recent wars, 9/11, cultural and religious differences

Native Americans make up a pretty small portion of interracial couples, but they are also one of the smallest ethnic groups overall. I do get the sense that they are more mixed and integrated into American society than in other American countries like Mexico or Brazil.

One contributing factor to so much prejudice around this topic is that interracial marriage used to be illegal in several states back in the day. Since it was decriminalized in the 1960s, interracial marriages have almost tripled. In all states and almost every county, interracial couples have increased and are continually on the rise. There are some differences though.

And now commencing: Montage of beautiful mixed families …

Trends & Perceptions about Intermixing

One big mixed family – by Rajiv Perera

Interracial relationships tend to be more common in urban areas than rural areas. They’re also more common in the West or the Mid-Atlantic. That’s because those regions are more diverse anyway, so it’s a lot more likely you’ll meet someone of a different “race” in the first place, let alone marry them. As far as opinion, black people are more likely to accept intermarriage than white people are. Still, it depends on the combo.

For instance, black family’s would probably be more accepting of intermarriage with a white person than an Asian person. Meanwhile with white families, it might be the opposite. Still, intermarriage between groups like whites with Asians or Hispanics is more common than intermarriage with blacks in general. Most commonly with intermarriage, white people are more likely to get with someone who is white Hispanic. At that point, it’s less a matter of “race” and more of cultural identity.

Attitudes about race, regions where more diverse communities are located, quality of education, and employment opportunities are some factors that help determine the prevalence of interracial couples in any given part of America. All these factors considered, general tendencies with black people contribute to fewer marriage rates overall anyway. That’s stuff like higher incarceration and unemployment rates. Been to jail? Don’t have a job? It’s gonna be hard for her to accept that ring, player.

What’s “Interracial,” Anyway?

Some of that pretty mixed-people hair – by Eye for Ebony

A couple of notes about race as it relates to this subject:

So, we all know about the strange American system of declaring who’s who and what’s what. Hispanics are considered an “ethnic group” of people from any Spanish-speaking country (from Mexico to Spain). Latinos are from any Latin-American country (from Mexico to Argentina, Brazil included — places like Haiti usually aren’t included). Asians covers anybody from East, South, or Central Asia (from China to India to Kazakhstan). Arabs considers everyone from an Arabic-speaking nation (from Morocco to Iraq).

Otherwise, there’s a separation between African-American and black since black could be from Africa, the Caribbean, or anywhere else, really. Whites are generally considered those with Anglo-Saxon (e.g. British, German), Slavic (e.g. Russian, Polish), or Mediterranean (e.g. Italian, Greek) backgrounds. This often excludes Indo-Aryans (e.g. Iranians, white Afghans) or whites from the Middle East/North Africa (e.g. white Algerians, white Lebanese).

by Gideon Putra

All of this to say that the way interracial couples are recorded in the U.S. can be tricky. Let’s say Joe with British ancestry marries Susan with Syrian ancestry. Both could be white, but Susan would be considered Arab. Or Susan could have white ancestry from Cuba, but she’d be considered Hispanic/Latina.

Now Joe is black with deep African American ancestry, but now Susan has black ancestry from Cuba. Susan is still considered Hispanic/Latina, and their relationship “interracial.” Or let’s say Joe has Japanese ancestry and Susan has south Indian ancestry. Under the eyes of the census, they wouldn’t be considered interracial since both are from the Asian continent, even though they are ethnically and culturally worlds apart.

With that said, there are probably a lot more “intercultural” marriages and relationships in the U.S. than we might think based on the numbers. That’s why I like to use my eyes.

Use Your “Sense-us”

by Kelly Sikkema

Based on what I can see, most of my family members are in “interracial & intercultural” relationships, and they live all over the country. I’m from a big city, so I have seen lots of interracial couples all over the place. If they’ve led to marriage, I’m sure is a different story altogether.

Because of recent growth in racial awareness, a lot more interracial couples and families are sympathizing more with each other’s identities. When a white person has a mixed black kid, it’s hard not to pay close attention to the police shootings of young black people. That’s just one example. In the end, I think this will be something that saves our nation and creates more sympathy for other cultures. The country is still pretty segregated compared to lots of Western countries. But I encourage interracial couples, we need them! Without them, I wouldn’t even be here.

**What do you think about interracial/intercultural couples? What about international couples? Have you ever been in a relationship like this? Would you want to? Comment and share your thoughts! Read more Doubts About Americans! And check these links below for more info. Stay safe out there! Peace.

Resources & Further Reading:

Perceptions & Trends of Interracial Couples

U.S. Census Results about Interracial Couples

Interracial Couple Experience

Other Facts about Interracial Couples

“Cameo Lover” [Kimbra] – lyrics for English students

*Don’t forget the video down below–>

This is nonstop baby, you’ve got me going crazy

You’re heavier than I knew

• “Heavier” here in the sense that he is weighing on her or holding her down, in a figurative sense.

But I don’t want no other, you’re my cameo lover

• *Double negatives. “But I don’t want any other/another…” Sometimes using a double negative can sound more natural, though, like with these lyrics. A “cameo” is a quick appearance of someone, usually famous, in a work like a movie or TV show. The guy is her lover who appears in her life for only small amounts of time, as she explains in the next line.

Only here for a moment or two

You stay inside that bubble with all of your trouble

In your black hole

• The idea is that he is collapsing on himself, self-destructing.

You turn from the skies,

You dance with your demise

• “Demise” is another word for death, basically, or an otherwise bad ending to life. “Dancing with your demise” is a more formal way of saying, “Playing with death.”

I’ll be here when you come home (home)

We’ve all gotta break down

• *”We’ve all got to break down.” In the English accents more closely related to British (Kimbra is from New Zealand), using “have got to” tends to be more common than “have to” in such situations. “I’ve got to go pick up my mother.” “I have to go pick up my mother.” “Break down” here has a double meaning; to have an emotional breakdown and cry, get depressed, etc., or; to have fun and dance! Interesting, right? She is probably referring to both of these opposing meanings in the line.

Let me come and break down there with you

• Whether he wants to cry and be sad or have fun and dance, she still wants to be there with him.

‘Cause every day’s like talking in your sleep

• *”Because every …” The original author from the website where I found these lyrics wrote, “Everyday’s like…” I wanted to take advantage and explain: “Every day” is where “every” just describes “day.” “I go to the mall every day. I wake up early every day;” “Everyday” is an adjective and describes something that is done every day, or is very common. “I’m going to do my everyday bike ride. He’s your normal, everyday teacher. Nothing special.” Native English speakers also often get these two confused.

Love is like a silhouette in dreams!

• A “silhouette” is the outline of a shape, usually of a person, something like an empty shadow.

Open up your heart, open up your heart

Open up your heart and let me pull you out

Every day’s like talking in your sleep

Love is like a silhouette in dreams!

Open up your heart, open up your heart

Open up your heart and let me pull you out of here

I’ve got high hopes baby, but all you do is take me

Down to depths that I never knew

You’ve got two arms baby, they’re all tangled in ladies

As the black sky’s posing blue

• To “pose” here means to fake an appearance or to show an untrue face. A similar word is “to front.” She could mean that he feels dark or sad on the inside, but he’s showing that he feels sunny and clear like a blue sky on the outside. On another note, “pose” is also used a lot to get into position for a photo. “Pose for the camera!”

Let go of your mother and turn to your brother

Not a long gone lover’s noose

• A “noose” is the loop of a hanging rope. He’s literally choking himself to death because he won’t let go of this past love.

Sometimes baby the hardest part of breaking

• “Breaking” again refers to having a breakdown, being depressed, or emotionally hurt.

Is leaving pieces behind you

• But she plays double meaning again with the literal definition of breaking; tearing into pieces.

Oh we’ve all gotta get by

• *”We’ve all got to …” To “get by” means to survive, make a living, get past our challenges.

Let me come and hold you high, with you

‘Cause every day’s like talking in your sleep

Love is like a silhouette in dreams!

Open up your heart, open up your heart

Open up your heart and let me pull you out

Every day’s like talking in your sleep

Love is like a silhouette in dreams!

Open up your heart, open up your heart

Open up your heart and let me pull you out of here

Open up your heart to me!

The sun won’t shine if you’re not looking

Baby, love is all that you need…

When every day’s like talking in your sleep

Love is like a silhouette in dreams

Open up your heart, open, open… (open…)

And the lyrics repeat.

• She seems to be talking to a person she wants to be with or feel closer to. This person has a hard time letting go of some past lover who apparently hurt him emotionally. Still, he refuses to let go and wants others to feel sorry for him. This is obviously weighing on Kimbra who’s tired of his downer attitude, but she also doesn’t want to leave him (I don’t want no other). He seems to hide in a bubble, lose hope (you turn from the skies, you dance with your demise), and express himself very lazily like a person mumbling in their sleep. He seems to be going through a rough time, though her words are not harsh but hopeful. Kimbra insists for him to open up and let her help, be a part of his recovery, to hold him up high, and to pull his love out from inside.

Do you think this kind of relationship is worth it? Let me know your thoughts!

Watch it here: